I write about my experience as a motherless daughter and what it's like to lose something I never had, and come to terms with the fact that I never will. A mother's love is hard to compensate for.
adult child of alcoholics
"He was into carpentry in his spare time, and always had a project. I never knew why he didn’t go into it as a career. I used to help him by handing him nails and screws and different tools. I was like his scrub nurse, but our patients were plywood and our instruments were screwdrivers and drills."
physical abuse
"I had a routine. I hid with my younger brother somewhere until things seemed calmer. When my parents fought, they seemed to forget we existed. So long as we were out of the way, we would usually be okay. "
emotional abuse
"...“This is what you get for wanting a girl, Sand,” she said to herself, as if this were typical and effective behavior for simply being female. That was the year I began to resent, distrust, and grow apart from my mother."
body image
"What Ms. S. at the after school program said was true: I wasn’t going to stay skinny forever. Funny how things stick with a child for their whole lives, yet many adults spend a lot of time convincing themselves their kids can’t hear them or aren’t listening or won’t remember."
abuse
"I will never have someone who made sure there was always food on the table, or who made sure I was comforted when I was scared. I'll never be a priority to her now. My mother is proof that you can lose something you never had."
neglect
"Everyone was desperate for attachment and connection; everyone distanced themselves from one another and stubbornly chose not to look past themselves. The house ended up becoming a jungle. Everyone had a territory and to invade that space meant conflict."
grief
“I was living off of Mountain Dew, cannabis, adrenaline, and anxiety about my mother’s health. My younger brother and I had discussed how we would handle things if it was time for her to go.”
dysfunctional family
"There was constant chatter, the haze of cigarette smoke, and the smell of alcohol on everyone’s breath filled the air between their conversations."
abuse
“She did such a great job of showing people all the pretty sides of her, and the uglier sides wore a mask so they could be pretty, too.”
mourning
“We had many conversations while I was a child, but they were one-sided. I was to sit down, shut up, and listen like a good girl. I was trained to be my mom’s best friend.”